- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- KR - Katherine Ryan
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Lines you wouldn't hear in a Bond movie.Edit
HD - Agnets aren't what they used to be 007. Meet 118 118.
JW - One dry martini, shaken not stirred, and um, three yaga bombs.
AP - So Bond we're really pushing product placement in this film. So here's your new secretary, miss moneysupermarket.com.
CA - Goldfinger what are you doing with that laser, you've nearly burnt my cock off.
HD - So leather guarded, fires at will, lovely in the hand, incredible repeat spit, tell me Mr Bond, where do you get a penis like this
MJ - MI6, no you're a lot older than that, Bond.
AP - Aha, Mr Bond, it appears that somebody has stolen my cat.
JW - I'm sorry James I'm going to have to remove your license to kill, also I would question the validity of this boob inspector card.
KR - Heeey, it's me, Pussy. Pussy, no more? Yeah post op now. It's gone real good.
MJ - Professor, how could you? You tried to mix giant broccoli with three-million eggs. So your terrible flan has failed.
CA - And this watch that fires bullets, and I'm afraid that's all the gadgets I can give Bond, I'm the eight items or less Q.
HD - I think you may need an eye test, Bond. That sex-mad blonde you've been shagging in the embassy, is Julian Asenge.
AP - So she's smuggling diamonds somehow, Bond, and it's your job to find out how. Just go to the hotel reception and ask for fanny vagazzle.
Unlikely things to hear at a party conference Edit
MJ - Yes, I'm a millionaire. Yes, I went to Eton. But I really feel I can relate to the rest of you scum.
AP - My name's Dave, like the TV channel. We both repeat the same old shit over and over again.
CA - Would Nick Clegg please come to lost property where his missing spine has been handed in?
HD - Am I to the left? Am I to the right? I'll be honest, it depends which trousers I'm wearing.
JW - So that concludes the conference. One more question, would anyone like to buy a forty foot sign with the word conservatives written on it?
AP - I'd avoid the hotel bar. Anne Widdicombe's in there reading Fifty shades of grey.
CA - It has just been unacceptable cut after unacceptable cut. Why can't Boris Johnson get a proper hairdresser?
HD - Welcome to the UKIP conference, the first conference to be held here in Islamabad.
JW - Educatuion. Education. Education. Can someone fix my auto-cue please?
CA - POLITICIANS, READY!! GLADIATORS, READY!!
KR - (huge gasp) Let's get drunk and join the euro.
MJ - This government say they're phasing out roman numerals, not on my watch.
HD - There have never been enough women in this party, and that is why, from this afternoon, you can call me, Stephanie.
AP - Our strategy for this labour conference is embrace the geek, and not as I said earlier, release the gimp.
KR - Here in support of testicular cancer awareness week, it's shadow chancellor Ed Ball.
CA - Well I don't know about you, but i have swallowed so much semen this weekend.
AP - My name's Dave, like the TV channel. And I repeat the same old shit over and over again.