- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- GDe – Gary Delaney
- CA – Chris Addison
- JC – Jo Caulfield
- GDa – Greg Davies
Unlikely Things To Hear At A Property Show Edit
HD - 6 months in, and Mike has fallen out with the builder. There was no window there, and neither of them noticed.
CA - With violence and strong language from the very beginning, it's A Place in the Sunderland.
AP - Yes it is north-facing. But on the plus side, it's a caravan, so you can just turn it round.
GDa - Get that fish out of here, it stinks. You should never leave a plaice in the sun.
JC - We've just one hour while Gina's at the shops to improve her flat in Luton. We're setting it on fire and moving it to Oxford.
HD - Well, it's another setback. This time, the structure is damaged and for the first time, I'm asking myself (high pitch) "Will the Death Star ever be finished?"
GDe - And more information on how to get together a deposit for a house can be found in our free leaflet "When Will Nanna Die?"
HD - So you bought it at auction for £100,000, but what exactly are you going to do, with Middlesbrough?
CA - Well, what we've done is, we've knocked the wall between the kitchen and the lounge down, and what that's done is, killed all the people who were sitting in the lounge.
JC - The kitchen's done in a very modern style. We call it crack den.
GDe - We're looking at a well-equipped council house in Hull. Fridge, oven, washing machine. In fact, this is one of the nicest gardens we've seen.
GDa - This week on Grand Designs, my gran's designed a house. It'll be shit, she's got terrible arthritis, not even a rudimentary qualification.
AP - 3 coats of varnish and a new rug, and Brucie is ready for his next show.
CA - Welcome to the 74-hour long obsessive compulsive episode of "How Clean Is Your House?"
GDa - Knock it down, tarmac it, fuck 'em!
Unlikely Things To Hear In A Maternity Ward Edit
AP - Mr. Parsons, your baby looks exactly like you, but mind you, so does every other baby.
HD - There are complications, I'm afraid. For a start, I'm not a doctor.
CA - I definitely can see the head: you should do your flies up, doctor.
GDe - Bad news, I'm afraid. He's ginger, Your Highness.
HD - So, would you like to hold the little fella, or, shall I give you the baby?
AP - Mrs. Jones, I'm gonna need you to push. And when we've got the ambulance started, we'll try and get you to hospital.
JC - Oh God, is that my baby? I've given birth to Andy Parsons!
GDa - I'd stay up that end and talk to your wife if I were you, Mr Smith. It looks like Alien vs Predator down here.
CA - And this is the ward for unwanted twins. We called it the JedWard.
HD - Basically, you just turn them over and slap them on the arse. These nurses' parties are great.
CA - Nice to see you again Mrs Jolie. If you'd like to move along to the next window to collect your order...
GDa - (imitates pulling up of sheet) OH, this isn't your first baby, is it?
AP - You have a bouncing baby boy. I know that, because I dropped him in the delivery room.
JC - Ok, big breath, big breath in, hold it, hold it, and pass the joint to the midwife.
AP - If you're not in when we deliver your baby, is it OK if we leave it with a neighbour?
GDe - No, no, I do like it darling, just not in that colour.
HD - I know, I know you're in great pain, but we need to know your name. Right. Doctor for Mrs. Fuckoff!