- HD - Hugh Dennis
- EB - Ed Byrne
- JA - James Acaster
- AP - Andy Parsons
- SP - Sara Pascoe
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say Edit
HD - And Hamilton takes the chequered flag. GIVE BACK THE CHEQUERED FLAG!
SP - And you join us tonight for the boxing. I really hope a fight doesn't kick off like las.. Guys, Guys can't we just talk abou...(sighs)
JA - Welcome to under-16's badminton where the players are still laughing at the word shuttlecock.
EB - Oh and the club has connected beautifully there, but according to World Boxing Federation rules that's an instant disqualification.
AP - And Switzerland takes the gold and hangs on to it even after the second World War is over.
JW - He turns, he shoots, and that is a horrible end to the grand national.
EB - Say what you like about dressage. I couldn't give a shit.
JA - And slippery barters in first of all, arms and legs second, belly-flop boy coming on the inside and yes I have forgotten the swimmers names and have resorted to funny nicknames.
JW - And you join me here in Helsinki for the final of the curling and you know what that means, my careers going shit.
AP - And the referee checks his watch and realises it was given by the Brazilian FA, and he's gonna have to return it.
HD - So will it be Oxford? Will it be Cambridge? Who will provide most of the new cabinet?
JA - And there's a streaker on the pitch. Two words: hubba hubba.
SP - And as they take the last bend, that is the end of the Bend stealing championships.
AP - And it's the relay, and he's made a grab for the baton. Oh that's not the baton but he's got a smile on his face anyway.
HD - AND ROSBERG MAKES A MISTAKE HE RUNS WIDE INTO TURN 2! WHY IS HE RUNNING? GET IN THE CAR. YOU TWAT!
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A TV Detective Show Edit
JW - Next up on Channel 5 a woman has a painful wrist in RSI Miami.
JA - "Of course I dusted for prints. I'm his cleaner. And he prefers to be known as the artist formerly known as Prince."
AP - "How did I recognise him from just his genitalia? Well..it was the red and blue paisley pajamas around the outside."
SP - "Voltinken tinken a plinkenplonken uregla a bontil a ploga bun el buchil cavel bidutchel achovil achovan.... Do you not speak Danish?"
HD - This week Rosemary and Thyme are joined by two Indian detectives, Turmeric and Chili.
EB - "So you're gonna arrest me for making rude and childish innuendos. I hope you don't expect me to cum quietly."
JW - This week there's panic in Midsomer as they meet their first black man.
JA - "Ah you said it was a whodunit. Yeah we arrested Hugh Dennis."
HD - "I think I have solved it, Watson." "No shit Sherlock."
AP - "There has been a henious crime committed on the Orient Express, somebody has done a shit while the train was still in the station."
JW - "Leave me alone Watson, I'm gonna go back into my mind palace and have the wank of a lifetime."
EB - "The murderer has cut out the victim's tongue. Let's get that back to the lab, I've got some envelopes need licking."
AP - "Now constable, the fact that you've had to redo the chalk outline seventeen times should surely be an indication that the victim is still alive."
SP - "I shoot my gun like I shoot my load, into my hand."
HD - "You're under arrest, you're not obliged to say anything, but anything you do say means you'll be an actor rather than an extra and you get payed a bit more."
EB - "You say that at the time of the murder you were hosting Daybreak on ITV. So there's no witnesses to collaborate with."
HD - "Hello, we're the fashion police, let's see the body. Ooh, blue with green, he deserves to die."