- HD - Hugh Dennis
- EB - Ed Byrne
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- ZL - Zoe Lyons
- RB - Rob Beckett
Things You Wouldn't Hear At A Party Conference Edit
AP - Wilkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome. To the UKIP party conference.
HD - The leader's speech will be signed for the hard-of-hearing (<>, pulls long nose, yawns, shakes fist)
RB - Welcome to the UKIP party conference. We've picked the most British place we could find. Welcome to Benidorm!
EB - And the good news is, the polling date is in, and we are just ahead of 'Others'.
MJ - Good news if you're a small mother, we are going to raise the mini"mum" wage.
ZL - Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and welcome your new leader of the UKIP party, it's Mrs Chowdry and her wife, Paula.
EB - Fellow members of UKIP I think it is safe to say judging by the amount of Eastern Europeans working in the kitchen here that the soup we had for lunch was mainly piss.
AP - As the Lib Dem leader I say to you go back to your constituencies and prepare your CVs.
MJ - Let me say quite categorically that this party is (flips coin) in favour of nuclear power.
EB - Welcome Liberal Democrats the theme of the conference this year: Why are we bothering?
RB - Please welcome to the stage your new Prime Minister, Mel B.
HD - And for the last time, for the last time can I assure you that the NHS is safe in our blood-stained money-grabbing hands.
Unlikely Things To Hear On Daytime TV Edit
MJ - Good night.
ZL - Well welcome back to Dutch daytime TV, next up it's Hash in the Attic.
RB - Hello and welcome to The Chase. (Runs towards camera)
EB - Good evening, sorry good afternoon, forgot how badly my career was going there.
HD - Today on 60 Minute Makeover David Dickinson gets resprayed with creosote again.
AP - Thank you for watching this morning, now put down the vodka, get dressed, and go to work.
MJ - Today on Jeremy Kyle Jayden will be asking Mustafa... No I'd better not do that one now.
AP - Today's episode of Jeremy Kyle has just been cancelled.
MJ - Today on Jeremy Kyle Jayden will be asking Spencer why he won't read his research paper on neutron decay in lithium isotopes. That was worth it.
AP - Today on Jeremy Kyle Jayden will be asking Spencer where is Mustafa.
RB - Hello and welcome to who do you think you are how dare you I don't care if you're a 70s DJ.
ZL - Welcome back. Well we'll see if the police catch them before they actually hand over the drugs,yeah it's Deal Or No Deal.
RB - Susan asked for a distressed look in her front room, so we told her her cat had been run over.
EB - Your watching More4 next up, (blushes) I'm going to go with Come Dine With Me.
HD - The next programme has been sponsored by Dignitas, Come Die With Me.
EB - And next I'm going to be reading out some of your texts and E-mails. That's what you get for not locking your phone.
HD - Due to a misunderstanding, Flog It: Saudi Arabia has been cancelled.
MJ - Hello and welcome to Loose Women. (loosens body and walks back to place)