- HD - Hugh Dennis
- RB - Rob Beckett
- GD - Gary Delaney
- AP - Andy Parsons
- SP - Sara Pascoe
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Things you won't hear at the world cup Edit
RB - No one's guaranteed a star in this England team, the only thing that's now all on is Wayne Rooney's hair.
HD - Oh that was a horrible two-footed lunge, but it was the only way I could shut Phil Neville up.
GD - And now our cameraman is gonna pick out some of the plainer girls in the crowd.
HD - Let's look at possession. Yes seven Colombians have been arrested for it.
AP - That's Messi. Oh Messi. Yes Wayne Rooney should never have a half-time orange unsupervised.
JW - There's little doubt now that Christiano Ronaldo is one of the world's all-time greatest twats.
SP - Welcome to Sugarloaf mountain, the hardest levels on Candy Crush.
GD - And that's a very soft tackle as Pele hasn't taken his tablets yet.
HD - Is he the finished article? That's the question. He did very well against Italy but Sterling has traditionally performed very badly against the Dollar and the Yen.
AP - And now we go over live for Nigeria against the Ivory Coast, and our commentator, Ron Atkinson.
RB - You join us here in Brazil where it's still fuckin' well 'ot.
SP - Hey who's heard what's going on in Iraq?
AP - There's six Brazilians in the wall and two in the foundations, that's the mafia for you.
JW - Four years later Paul the octopus is back and what a stew he made.
HD - Andrea Pirlo,the only player in world football to be named after the Palestinian Liberation Organization.
Unlikely things to hear on a cookery programme Edit
RB - No no no that's a flower Nigella. (sighs)
AP - You've got to be very careful when handling raw meat, but if your wife does come in, close the laptop, pull up the trousers and frame ignorance.
JW - The thing to remember when making your own pesto is you're wasting your time.
HD - So, pop in a lemon, shove in the stuffing, sew up the mouth, and that should keep Gregg Wallace quiet for a bit.
GD - No I'm afraid those aren't bacon bits, I've just got a bit of eczema at the moment.
SP - If you add vodka into the tomatoes it really brings out the flavour, and if you add it to your wine you can pass out before the kids get home.
HD - You should be able to get the ingredients for this anywhere, they are: Goats-horn, chervil, and the frozen tears of an elf.
AP - I'm Antony Worrall Thompson. Today we're going to be needing salmon, noodles, and parsley, so I'm going to nip down to Tesco and shove 'em up my jumper.
RB - That's enough cooking, next up we've got some twat trying to flog a book.
SP - Mmmmm, does anyone know what's happening in Iraq?
JW - Welcome to Chinese meals in minutes (Imitates talking on a phone) I'll have a nineteen and some prawn crackers.
HD - So alternatively it's gas mark four for twenty minutes. You're watching Dignitas television.
JW - This asparagus smells delicious, now imagine what it tasted like when I ate it yesterday.
AP - After Masterchef, Celebrity Masterchef, and Masterchef the professionals. Now it's Masterchef the only five people in Britain who've not been on Masterchef.
GD - We'd like to apologise for the misprint in this week's radio times. Paul Hollywood is in fact a massive cook.
JW - We only use the freshest ingredients, so this is Daisy and this is a stun gun.