- HD - Hugh Dennis
- RR - Romesh Ranganathan
- HC - Hal Cruttenden
- AP - Andy Parsons
- SC - Susan Calman
- RB - Rob Beckett
Things A Sports Commentator Would Never Say Edit
AP - Apologies, the sport you are watching is apparently squash, and not as I said earlier, tennis in prison.
HD - Oh I am sorry. You don't need a lip reader to see what he said after that challenge. He said "Fuck off".
SC - 180, this man is rubbish at golf.
HC - Ne-ow. Ne-ow. Ne-ow. He's clearly hurt his knee.
RB - Italy have had three shots in the second half: Tetanus, rabies, and hepatitis.
RR - And here come the cocks-less four so the women's doubles can begin.
HD - And as we wait for the final of the butterfly it's hard to believe that just yesterday all these competitors were still caterpillars.
AP - And there's a new event here at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. Yes get ready for shouting at your own reflection in a shop window.
RB - Wow unbelievable service. Three full bars on T-mobile.
HC - And there's been a nasty clash in the Nigeria - Brazil game. Lime green with yellow. (groans)
AP - For those of you who want to watch the equestrian events, get your butler to press the red button now.
HD - (German accent) Welcome to the Nazi pro-aim golf tournament. Hitler as usual is in ze bunker.
RB - Wayne Rooney has managed the full 90. Previously his eldest was 76.
SC - And the queen takes the bishop. This is turning out to be quite the royal wedding.
HC - And Suarez is being substituted. He's not injured he's just full.
RR - What an incredible back-hand there from the Qatari President.
Unlikely Lines From A Thriller Edit
HC - "We meet at last Mr Bond. I'm from the Child Support Agency."
RR - "I will look for you, I will find you, and when I do, you count to ten and try and find me."
RB - The story about the man that was killed getting a blow job: Die Hard
HD - "I have your wife. And unless you give me $15,000,000 I will give her back to you."
SC - "Someone in here is the killer. Is it John? Is it Sally? Or is it that massive bear?"
RB - (Rubs finger in mouth) "Yeah it's definitely semen."
HD - "Okay let me talk to the navy seals." (makes seal noise)
SC - "They were strangers on a train and they remained that way because they were British."
RB - "Um the cause of death is unknown but his last words were "PARACHUTES ARE FOR PUSSIES!"."
AP - "There's a mole in our organisation. Toad, Ratty, Badger, any idea who it might be?"
HD - "You are too late. Too late, look at the timer. In 15 seconds my ready meal will be ready."
HC - "Say hello to my little friend, Alan!" "Hello"
AP - "The truth. You can't handle the truth. So thank you for signing up to the Mail Online website."
RR - "And that was the horrible moment that the comedian realised it wasn't a good thing to look like an Asian Rolf Harris."