- HD – Hugh Dennis
- RB – Rory Bremner
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- JO – John Oliver
- JB – Jo Brand
- JH – Jeremy Hardy
What Not To Say On Receiving a Winter Olympics MedalEdit
- FB: I hate my national anthem, would you play Love on the Rocks?
- JH: Listen blood, have you got something with like a ganja leaf or something? and an AK-47
- JB: This is great, I didn't even realize this is a sport
- HD: Gold for Switzerland! I'll put it with all the Nazi stuff!
- FB: Could you just hang the medal off my neck brace?
- RB: I'd like to thank my mother for providing my urine sample.
- FB: The god women's curling this will take pride of place in the office that I clean.
- HD: Whoops! (falls over)
- JB: Sorry about the yellow stain at the top of the ski jump
- HD (as Jimmy Savile): Thanks for the medal, the band was Showaddywaddy.
- RB: And that's why we call him Four Man Bob.
Improbable Things For Osama Bin Laden To Say On His TapesEdit
- HD: This is ridiculous, it must be your turn to hide!
- JH: What do you think, lose the beard?
- JO: Anyway that's enough from me it's 5 to 6 and it's time for Al-Qaeda's non-stop music marathon, less talk, more music - here's David Bowie with China Girl.
- HD: Stop! You're recording over my wedding video.
- FB: I've just seen the funniest cartoon...
- JH: Do you think this cave makes me look a bit gay?
- HD: So, who could live in a cave like this?
- FB: (waving) Hello Google Maps!
- RB: I'm Osama Bin Laden and this is Cillit Bang!
- JO: I've only just heard it, you get a yak and some peanuts and it'll go, I'm coming out
Unlikely Thing For a TV Announcer To SayEdit
- HD: For those of you of a nervous disposition, you may be disturbed to know that you're television is off and I'm speaking to you within your own head
- JH: Next on Channel 5, Wizardhammer's Sanctimonious Jobbysniffer Gillian McKeith gets a slap from a fat housewife.
- HD: Well that's it, but don't forget that BBC 24 goes through the night, as do I.
- JB: And next on Channel 5 a sensitive documentary entitled The Boy Who Looked Like a Baboon's Arse.
- JO: You are watching ITV1, why are you doing that? I've got the listings in front of me and we've got nothing, nothing.
- HD: You may be intrested to know that I'm completly naked and playing with myself.
- FB: We interrupt tonight's showing of The Sixth Sense with some breaking news, Bruce Willis is a ghost!
- HD: If you have been affected by any of the issues in Balamory...
- FB: Tonight's episode of Songs of Praise contains strong language and themes of a sexual nature.