- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- MW – Mark Watson
- JC – Jo Caulfield
The Worst Thing To Hear Over a Tannoy SystemEdit
- HD: ONLY YOU CAN HEAR ME.
- FB: The train to Nottingham will arrive in 5 minutes, which is a pity because this is Tesco.
- HD: Second floor? But you can't get out.
- MW: Welcome to our school's sports day. Mark will probably get stuck in a sack. Ha-bloody-ha.
- RH: Can somebody come to the salami slicer please?
- AP: (holds nose) If anyone has found a Vicks inhaler.
- MW: Ladies and gentlemen we all know there will be a bomb on the tube, but will it be today?
- HD: Lift doors are closing, leaving you trapped in an airless windowless coffin, hurtling downwards at 100 miles an hour.
- JC: Would the parents of the child that fell into the tiger enclosure please come to Lost Property to collect her shoes?
- FB: The plane's about to land in Glasgow, passengers are reminded to set their watches back 25 years.
Too Hot For TV Lines:
- FB: The train now arriving at platforms 4, 5, and 6, was blown up on platform 7.
- JC: Would the owner of the burning jeep please remove it, as it's blocking the entrance to the airport?
- AP: This is your captain speaking, PRAISE BE TO ALLAH!
- FB: The parents of a boy who answers to the name of Tommy: he left ten minutes ago with a man in a balaclava.
- HD: Bucket and mop to aisle three, please, bucket and mop to aisle three. Someone's cum on the broccoli.
- RH: We regret to inform you that the 10:22 to Carlisle has been cancelled. In the meantime, here's some of my poetry.
- FB: I am your pilot... and those were my last words.
- HD: Welcome on board the 1750. It will be calling at Signal Failure, Driver Error, and the Afterlife.
- RH: Could a Mr Howard come to the front desk, please? A Mr Howard? We've found your buttplug.
- FB: The owner of the Porsche convertible: you're a middle-aged man having a nervous breakdown.
- HD: The trolley contains a selection of... (sneezes)... fresh sandwiches.
- FB: We're currently cruising at 17 feet, and my wife left me when I converted to Islam.
Unlikely Lines From the Final Harry Potter BookEdit
- HD: "Don't worry Hermoine, I can get rid of it. Chlamydia dissapearo."
- JC: "Okay, Hermoine", said Harry, unbuttoning his zip, "I'll show you a really magic wand."
- FB: Harry had always thought that he'd meet his death at the hands of Voldermort, so imagine his surprise when the doctors told him he was HIV positive.
- HD: "No, there is no post today." said Ron. "The owls are on a one-day-strike over paycuts."
- RH: Midway through the orgy, Ron winked at Harry. "This is better then Quidditch," his eyes seemed to say.
- FB: It was a magic mirror that showed the future: and in it Harry seemed to be a thirty year old actor appearing in something called The Bill.
- HD: "Get the snitch!" said Harry, "I'll tie him down and you can drill through his kneecaps."
- FB: As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand, Harry regretted transferring to Catholic school.
- HD: "I'm sorry Harry, I'm having a baby, and it's yours" said Professor McGonagall.
- MW: Harry said something, Hermoine said something, oh who cares, I'm minted!
(Too Hot for TV-only lines begin here.)
- RH: "Oi, Hermione, my wang can speak German!" "Whatever, Ron." "Das ist mystik, Hermione!" ("This is mystical, Hermione!")
- FB: "Hagrid, why have you hidden a copy of the Quran in your beard?"
- AP: Gonna have to be fucking good now. And Harry Potter took all his clothes off and started blinding unicorns, because he'd got confused as to which show he was actually in.
- HP: "No-one flies a broom anymore, Harry.", said Ron. "This is a Dyson 750!".
- FB: "Can I leave school now, I'm fucking 27!"
- RH: Harry was reflecting on how his life had changed since he left Hogwarts, and his reverie was interrupted by "Oi, I asked for large fries, not onion rings!".
- FB: Harry awoke to find the whole thing had been a dream, and he was being raped by an orderly.
- RH: And so He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did that which we must never speak of...to Hermione. Over and over and battering it this way and that way...