- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- MM – Michael McIntyre
- MW – Mark Watson
Commercials That Never Made It To AirEdit
HD: Masturbation. Are you getting your five-a-day?
AP: Worried about bankruptcy? Then why not paddle your canoe into the middle of the ocean?
FB: Lidl's own brand shampoo...because you're worthless!
RH: (Imitating a child) If you hit me at 40 mph, there's an 80% chance I'll die. If you hit me at 30mph, there's an 80% chance I'll live. Stop trying to hit me!
MM: Poor, and too lazy to cook? That's why mums shop at Iceland!
HD: This isn't just a gimp mask...this is an S&M gimp mask!
FB: Do your knickers feel uncomfortable on? Try Bacardi Breezer!
MW:(in an Australian accent) You find flying boring? Fly Quantas, you might die!
RH: The Daily Mail, racist in public, so you don't have to be!
FB: I'm Fern Britton, and this machine took two stone off me. It's a bacon slicer!
HD: I'm John McCain, why not buy my home fitness video?
FB: Are you thinking of drinking and driving? Remember... the M20 is surprisingly quiet on a Saturday night!
HD: (singing to the tune of the British Airways advert) "We've lost your bags, we've lost your bags!"
MM: From Gillette comes the new Sensor Uber-Uber-Uber-Excel, for that closest ever shave! In fact, this one slices your face like a potato peeler. It's too close, get the previous Gillette Sensor. It turns out we couldn't get closer than that one!
HD: Thirty one million names on three great discs! Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs: Now That's What I Call a Monumental Cockup, Volume 1!
RH: Max Moseley doesn't do Nazi-themed orgies...but if he did, they'd probably be the best Nazi-themed orgies in the world!
Bad Things To Hear On Opening the Door In The Middle of the NightEdit
HD (in an Irish accent): Hello. I'm Dara Ó Briain, I'd like to talk to you about Mock The Week.
MW: I'm back from my canoe trip.
FB: I saw a peeping Tom in your garden, but I warned him... this is my patch.
HD: Er, I've come to fix your washing machine: You asked for a call-out between 12 and 5...
MW: Hello, I'm afraid my cock is stuck in your letterbox.
AP (German accent): Hello. I'm Max Mosley, and I've been a very naughty boy.
FB: I'm afraid your husband's been murdered. Can I borrow a shovel?
MM: Hello I'm Gordon Brown... Just hold me.