Key Edit

  • HD - Hugh Dennis
  • EB - Ed Byrne
  • JA - James Acaster
  • AP - Andy Parsons
  • SP - Sara Pascoe
  • JW - Josh Widdicombe

Topics Edit

Unlikely things for a sports commentator to say Edit

HD - And Hamilton takes the chequered flag. GIVE BACK THE CHEQUERED FLAG!

SP - And you join us tonight for the boxing. I really hope a fight doesn't kick off like las.. Guys, Guys can't we just talk abou...(sighs)

JA - Welcome to under sixteens badminton where the players are still laughing at the word shuttlecock.

EB - Oh and the club has connected beautifully there, but according to world boxing federation rules that's an instant disqualification.

AP - And Switzerland takes the gold and hangs on to it even after the second world war is after.

JW - He turns, he shoots, and that is a horrible end to the grand national.

EB - Say what you like about dressage. I couldn't give a shit.

JA - And slippery barters in first of all, arms and legs second, belly-flop boy coming on the inside and yes I have forgotten the swimmers names and have resorted to funny nicknames.

JW - And you join me here in Helsinki for the final of the curling and you know what that means, my careers going shit.

AP - And the referee checks his watch and realises it was given by the Brazilian FA, and he's gonna have to return it.

HD - So will it be Oxford? Will it be Cambridge? Who will provide most of the new cabinet?

JA - And there's a streaker on the pitch. Two words: hubba hubba.

SP - And as they take the last bend, that is the end of the Bend stealing championships.

AP - And it's the relay, and he's made a grab for the baton. Oh that's not the baton but he's got a smile on his face anyway.


Lines you wouldn't hear in a TV detective show Edit

JW - Next up on channel 5 a woman has a painful wrist in RSI Miami.

JA - "Of course I dusted for prints. I'm his cleaner. I prefer to be known as the artist formerly known as Prince."

AP - "How did I recognise him from just his genitalia? was the red and blue paisley pajamas around the outside."

SP - "Voltinken tinken a plinkenplonken uregla a bontil a ploga bun el buchil cavel bidutchel achovil achovan.... Do you not speak Danish?"

HD - This week Rosemary and Thyme are joined by two Indian detectives, Turmeric and Chili.

EB - "So you're gonna arrest me for making rude and childish innuendos. I hope you don't expect me to come quietly."

JW - This week there's panic in Midsomer as they meet their first black man.

JA - "Ah you said it was a whodunit. Yeah we arrested Hugh Dennis."

HD - "I think I have solved it, Watson." "No shit Sherlock."

AP - "There has been a hennis crime committed on the orient express, somebody has done a shit while the train was still in the station."

JW - "Leave me alone Watson, I'm gonna go back into my mind palace and have the wank of a lifetime."

EB - "The murderer has cut out the victim's tongue. Let's get that back to the lab, I've got some envelopes need licking."

AP - "Now constable, the fact that you've had to redo the chalk outline seventeen times should surely be an indication that the victim is still alive."

SP - "I shoot my gun like I shoot my load, into my hand."

HD - "You're under arrest, you're not obliged to say anything, but anything you do say means you'll be an actor rather than an extra and you get payed a bit more."

EB - "You say that at the time of the murder you were hosting Daybreak on ITV. So there's no witnesses to collaborate with."

HD - "Hello, we're the fashion police, let's see the body. Ooh, blue with green, he deserves to die."

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