Key Edit

  • HD - Hugh Dennis
  • EB - Ed Byrne
  • MJ - Milton Jones
  • AP - Andy Parsons
  • ZL - Zoe Lyons
  • RB - Rob Beckett

Topics Edit

Things you wouldn't hear at a party conference Edit

AP - Vilcommen, Bienvenue, welcome to the UKIP party conference.

HD - The leader's speech will be signed for the hard of hearing. (Various hand gestures)

RB - Welcome to the UKIP party conference and we've picked the most British place we could find. Welcome to Benidorm.

EB - And the good news is the polling data is in and we are just ahead of others.

MJ - Good news if you're a small mother. We're going to raise the miniMUM wage.

ZL - Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and welcome your new leader of the UKIP party, it's Mrs Chowdry and her wife, Paula.

EB - Fellow members of UKIP I think it is safe to say judging by the amount of Eastern Europeans working in the kitchen here that the soup we had for lunch was mainly piss.

AP - As the Lib Dem leader I say to you go back to your constituencies and prepare your CVs.

MJ - Let me say quite categorically that this party is (flips coin) in favour of nuclear power.

EB - Welcome Liberal Democrats the theme of the conference this year: Why are we bothering?

RB - Please welcome to the stage your new Prime Minister, Mel B.

HD - And for the last time, for the last time can I assure you that the NHS is safe in our blood-stained money-grabbing hands.

Unlikely things to hear on daytime TV Edit

MJ - Good night.

ZL - Well welcome back to Dutch daytime TV, next up it's Hash in the attic.

RB - Hello and welcome to the chase. (Runs towards camera)

EB - Good evening, sorry good afternoon, forgot how badly my career was going there.

HD - Today on 60 minute makeover David Dickinson gets resprayed with creosote again.

AP - Thank you for watching this morning, now put down the vodka, get dressed, and go to work.

MJ - Today on Jeremy Kyle Jayden will be asking Mustafa... No I'd better not do that one now.

AP - Today's episode of Jeremy Kyle has just been cancelled.

MJ - Today on Jeremy Kyle Jayden will be asking Spencer why he won't read his research paper on neutron decay in lithium isotopes. That was worth it.

AP - Today on Jeremy Kyle Jayden will be asking Spencer where is Mustafa.

RB - Hello and welcome to who do you think you are how dare you I don't care if you're a seventies DJ.

ZL - Welcome back. Well we'll see if the police catch them before they actually hand over the drugs,yeah it's deal or no deal.

RB - Susan asked for a distressed look in her front room, so we told her her cat had been run over.

EB - Your watching More4 next up, (blushes) I'm going to go with come dine with me.

HD - The next programme has been sponsored by Dignitas, come die with me.

EB - And next I'm going to be reading out some of your texts and E-mails. That's what you get for not locking your phone.

HD - Due to a misunderstanding, flog it Saudi Arabia has been cancelled.

MJ - Hello and welcome to loose women. (loosens body and walks back to place)

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