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Key Edit

  • HD - Hugh Dennis
  • RB - Rob Beckett
  • GD - Gary Delaney
  • AP - Andy Parsons
  • SP - Sara Pascoe
  • JW - Josh Widdicombe

Topics Edit

Things you won't hear at the world cup Edit

RB - No one's guaranteed a start in this England team, the only thing that's now all on is Wayne Rooney's hair.

HD - Oh that was a horrible two-footed lunge, but it was the only way I could shut Phil Neville up.

GD - And now our cameraman is gonna pick out some of the plainer girls in the crowd.

HD - Let's have a luck at possession. Yes seven Colombians have been arrested for it.

AP - That's messi. Oh messi. Yes, Wayne Rooney should never have a half-time orange unsupervised.

JW - There's little doubt now that Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the world's all time greatest twats.

SP - Welcome to sugarloaf mountain, the hardest level on Candy Crush.

GD - And that's a very soft tackle as Pele hasn't taken his tablets yet.

HD - Is he the finished article? That's the question. He did very well against Italy but sterling has traditionally performed very badly against the dollar and the yen.

AP - And now we go over, live from Nigeria against the Ivory Coast and our commentator, Ron Atkinson.

RB - You join us here in Brazil where it's still fuckin' well 'ot.

SP - Hey who's heard what's going on in Iraq?

AP - There's six Brazilians in the wall and two in the foundations. That's the mafia for you.

JW - Four years later Paul the octopus is back, and what a stew he made.

HD - Andre Pirlo, the only player in world football to be named after the palestinian liberation organization.

Unlikely things to hear on a cookery show Edit

RB - No no no that's a flower, Nigella. (sighs)

AP - You've got to be very careful when handling raw meat, but if your wife does walk in, close the laptop, pull up the trousers, and frame ignorance.

JW - The thing to remember when making your own pesto is you're wasting your time.

HD - So pop in a lemon, shove in the stuffing, sew up the mouth, and that should keep Gregg Wallace quiet for a bit

GD - No I'm afraid those aren't bacon bits. I've just got a bit of eczema at the moment.

SP - If you add vodka into the tomatoes it really brings out the flavour. And if you add it to your wine you can pass out before the kids get home.

HD - You should be able to get the ingredients for this anywhere. They are goats horn, chervil, and the frozen tears of an elf

AP - I'm Antony Worrall Thompson and today we're going to be needing salmon, noodles, and parsley so I'm gonna nip down to Tesco and shove 'em up my jumper.

RB - That's enough cooking. Next up we've got some twat trying to flog a book.

SP - Mmmmm. Does anyone know what's happening in Iraq?

JW - Welcome to Chinese meals in minutes. (Imitates talking on a phone) I'll have a nineteen and some prawn crackers.

HD - So alternatively it's gas mark four for twenty minutes. You're watching dignitas television.

JW - This asparagus smells delicious. Now imagine what it tasted like when I ate it yesterday.

AP - After Masterchef, Celebrity Masterchef, and Masterchef the professionals, now it's Masterchef the only five people in britain who've not been on Masterchef.

GD - We'd like to apologise for the mis-print in this week's Radio Times. Paul Hollywood is in fact a massive cook.

JW - We only use the freshest ingredients. So this is Daisy and this is a stun gun.

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