Key Edit

  • HD - Hugh Dennis
  • RR - Romesh Ranganathan
  • MJ - Miles Jupp
  • AP - Andy Parsons
  • AB - Angela Barnes
  • JW - Josh Widdicombe

Topics Edit

Unlikely things to hear in a school assembly Edit

AP - It's your own time your wasting so please think twice about choosing media studies as an option.

HD - We are not involved in extremism and any suggestion we are is deeply offensive to us all here at the Jihadi death to the west academy.

JW - Congratulations to the year seven football team who beat England.

MJ - There are two new girls in the school today thanks to Louise in year nine who's just had twins.

AB - New school rule, from next term there will be running in the corridors 'cause we've had to sell off the gym.

RR - Just this morning we confiscated a bag of cannabis and now we're asking all students to come forward if they've got pringles.

HD - Good news for last years leavers. We have four at Durham. four at Edinburgh, four at Bristol, and you can't find a better selection of prisons than those.

JW - And now for show and tell and here is Miles with his cheese collection.

MJ - Congratulations to the first eleven who yesterday beat St Christopher's 37 - 0. St Christopher's is an intensive care unit but nonetheless, well done.

RR - Well I'm really sad to be leaving you as your maths teacher. I've got no idea why I've been made redundant because I've always felt that I've given %110.

HD - Just a note for 5D. When I said that Thomas should be in a blazer I didn't mean set him on fire.

AB - So ofsted inspection today so burkas off.

AP - Now I know today is no school uniform day, Barry. But we were hoping that you would where something else.

JW - And now the register is the reason that Mr Smith cannot be here at the school today.

HD - So if ever you feel the need to do drugs, have a word with the supply teacher.

Commercials that never made it to air Edit

AP - Come to Trego Mills. We've got peacocks and everything.

HD - We've got surprises in store. The escalators broken and the staff know fuck all.

MJ - Dignitas, it's not Au revoir.

RR - Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life? Next time use Durex.

AB - Try uniform dating because with the way government cuts are going pretty soon it could be the quickest way to get a policeman to your house in an emergency.

HD - If you can find it cheaper anywhere else, tell us and we'll burn their shop down.

JW - The DFS sale has ended.

MJ - Have you been injured whilst doing voluntary work? Well that's your look-out isn't it?

AP - The Dyson hand dryer. The perfect way to drown out the sound of somebody having a shit.

JW - Papa, Papa. No I'm sorry Nicole we've lost him.

AB - Buy Lidl wine because poor people shouldn't have to drink cider.

RR - Steven Gerrard drinks lucozade. This has been a red bull commercial.

AP - News International. When you talk we listen.

HD - To qualify for second meerkat toy, Alexander has invaded Ukraine.

JW - Milk. Try and forget it came out of a cows tits.

MJ - Have you booked Joe Hart to advertise your product? Have you payed for advertising space until the end of the world cup? Then you may be entitled to compensation.

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