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Key Edit

  • HD - Hugh Dennis
  • RR - Romesh Ranganathan
  • HC - Hal Cruttenden
  • AP - Andy Parsons
  • SC - Susan Calman
  • RB - Rob Beckett

Topics Edit

Things a sports commentator would never say Edit

AP - Apologies, the sport you are watching is apparently squash, and not as I said earlier, tennis in prison.

HD - Oh I am sorry. You don't need a lip reader to see what he said after that challenge. He said "Fuck off".

SC - 180, this man is rubbish at golf.

HC - Ne-ow. Ne-ow. Ne-ow. He's clearly hurt his knee.

RB - Italy have had three shots in the second half: Tetanus, rabies, and hepatitis.

RR - And here come the cocks-less four so the women's doubles can begin.

HD - And as we wait for the final of the butterfly it's hard to believe that just yesterday all these competitors were still caterpillars.

AP - And there's a new event here at the commonwealth games in Glasgow. Yes get ready for shouting at your own reflection in a shop window.

RB - Wow unbelievable service. Three full bars on T-mobile.

HC - And there's been a nasty clash in the Nigeria - Brazil game. Lime green with yellow. (groans)

AP - For those of you who want to watch the equestrian events, get your butler to press the red button now.

HD - Welcome to the Nazi pro-aim golf tournament. Hitler as usual is in the bunker.

RB - Wayne Rooney has managed the full ninety. Previously his eldest was seventy-six.

SC - And the queen takes the bishop. This is turning out to be quite the royal wedding.

HC - And Suarez is being substituted. He's not injured he's just full.

RR - What an incredible back-hand there from the Qatari President.

Unlikely lines from a thriller Edit

HC - "We meet at last Mr Bond. I'm from the Child Support Agency."

RR - "I will look for you, I will find you, and when I do, you count to ten and try and find me."

RB - The story about the man that was killed getting a blow job. Die hard.

HD - "I have your wife. And unless you give me $15,000,000 I will give her back to you."

SC - "Someone in here is the killer. Is it John? Is it Sally? Or is it that massive bear?"

RB - (Rubs finger in mouth) "Yeah it's definitely semen."

HD - "Okay let me talk to the navy seals." (makes seal noise)

SC - They were strangers on a train and they remained that way because they were British.

RB - "Um the cause of death is unknown but his last words were "Parachutes are for pussies"."

AP - "There's a mole in our organisation. Toad, Ratty, Badger, any idea who it might be?"

HD - "You are too late. Too late, look at the timer. In fifteen seconds my ready meal will be ready."

HC - "Say hello to my little friend, Alan!" "Hello"

AP - "The truth. You can't handle the truth. So thank you for signing up to the mail online website."

RR - "And that was the horrible moment that the comedian realised it wasn't a good thing to look like an Asian Rolf Harris."

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