Key Edit

  • HD - Hugh Dennis
  • EB - Ed Byrne
  • MJ - Milton Jones
  • AP - Andy Parsons
  • ZL - Zoe Lyons
  • RK - Russell Kane

Topics Edit

Unlikely things to hear in court Edit

AP - We the jury have yet to reach a final verdict, but we would like to have a guess. Is it Mrs Peacock with a candlestick in the library?

HD - The defendant is as you can see an evil man with a black heart but nice, firm buttocks.

MJ - The Guildford 4 and the Birmingham 6 were miscarriages of justice, but S club 7 must remain in prison.

EB - If I'm guilty of anything it's caring too much and embezzlement. Embezzlement, embezzlement and caring too much. That's all I'm guilty of.

ZL - It appears we have a hung jury. Thank you gentlemen you can put your trousers back on now.

AP - Ok Mr Pistorius there will now be a toilet break. Don't anybody else go in there.

RK - Before I pass down the sentence of death, how about a selfie? Oh my god your death face is so random.

MJ - You are accused of stealing top of the range toilet rolls. How do you plead, quilty or not quilty?

ZL - No Mr Culson we're not going to tell you your sentence, instead we've left a message for you on Hugh Grant's voicemail.

HD - I am now going to pronounce sentence. Sen-tence.

AP - Mr Clapton, I put it to you that it is highly unlikely that you did not shoot the deputy given that you have already admitted that you did shoot the sheriff.

MJ - Okay, "Rock a bye baby on the tree top..." Oh alibi.

EB - Well it's been a long and complex trial so before sentencing let's have a look at some of your best bits.

RK - Mr Pistorius the court rejects your defence that at the time of the crime you were legless.

HD - And now Mr Harris it's time for your sentence. Can you tell what it is yet?

MJ - You are accused of unnecessarily advertising a make of smoothie. How do you plead? Be careful.

Things you wouldn't hear in a nature documentary Edit

AP - Watch out for crocs, because anybody wearing crocs is a bell-end.

EB - But what's incredible about the emperor penguin is it's ability to make you look like a shit father.

HD - This is the most fantastic migration I've ever seen. These Romanians are moving in next door to Nigel Farage.

RK - If you're in the jungle for a few months, use a leaf and some river moss from a bank, it really does feel like a lady.

ZL - Well it took some pliers and an awful lot of gaffa tape but I've finally got this flamingo's legs on the right way round

MJ - I have spent my whole life living with hyenas. It hasn't been easy but there've been a lot of laughs as well.

HD - The barbs that come of these tiny creatures can be very painful. This one just called me a talentless wanker.

AP - The pack of meerkats surrounded the helpless lizard and within seconds he'd been forced to change his car insurance supplier.

RK - The comics or justalings all jostled for position eager to present their humour to the large alpha male. Eh.

EB - A badger, in it's natural environ, on the hard shoulder being pecked at by crows.

HD - This lioness has just had four cubs, but it's not as sweet as it looks. She's just had three brownies, two guides, and a venture scout.

ZL - And this little fella, this little bird, his head can literally turn three-hundred an.... No that's owls isn't it?

EB - And now the male attempts to you-know-what by putting his thingamajig in the females whatchamacallit.

ZL - And here I am in the shrubbery outside the BBC center. And I think I've spo... I have, I've spotted one. This is extremely rare. It is, It's a female panelist.

AP - Just one bite from this snake can paralyze the nervous system in three seconds. (Freezes in position)

RK - You'll have to excuse the trembling excitement in my voice as I'm currently being noshed off by Bill Oddie.

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