Key Edit

  • HD - Hugh Dennis
  • RB - Rob Beckett
  • MJ - Milton Jones
  • AP - Andy Parsons
  • HW - Holly Walsh
  • RR - Romesh Ranganathan

Topics Edit

Unlikely things to hear on a news programme Edit

RR - As I report from my sixth day here in war torn Syria I think the lesson learned is that I should never have called my producer a wanker.

HD - According to statistics the french economy is now the weakest growing of all the economies in Europe. (Chuckles)

RB - Sport now. All Manchester United fans please look away. (Waves fist)

HW - You've reach Al-jazeera news which means you're only twenty channels away from actually finding porn.

RB - Eh, you'll never guess who's dead.

MJ - Just time now to see what the papers say. (Crumples scrunched up piece of paper)

RB - We will now attempt to talk to the survivors of the cliff fall. YOU ALL RIGHT MATE!?

AP -After the fire in the Aromatherapy candle factory the situation is now calm.

HD - And now over to our foreign corespondent. DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!?

MJ - Now it's time for the news near you. (Runs towards camera) HELLO!

RB - There are human remains on the blood stained streets and the despair in the eyes of everyone you meet. Rob Beckett for BBC news, Magaluf.

RR - There continues to be heavy shelling here. Romesh Ranganathan at the peanut factory.

MJ - Now it's over to our toys and games corespondent, Natasha Ker-plunkski

AP - And eventually the sun will go supernova, the will become dark and frozen, and everyone will die. That was the long-range weather forecast.

HW - To my right, in my peripheral vision, Andy Parsons is showing us his penis. More on that as it unfolds.

AP - We go over now to our vegan corespondent. I'm terribly sorry, he appears to have gone strawberry.

RR - And David Cameron has delivered on all his promises to the Scottish people.

HD - Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's papers. So the Times and the Telegraph lead with industrial strife and in The Sun we can see that Caroline from Dagenham has got a terrific pair of norks.

Things you wouldn't hear in a medical show Edit

HW - I'm sorry I know nothing about the inner workings of the human body. Honestly (Puts hand down below) hand on my heart. It's a....

AP - I'm Dr Christian and remember, however embarrassing your condition is, you'll never look as weird as I do.

MJ - Health officials have shut down the village fete. Apparently there was an outbreak of tombola.

HD - I think we've got the balance about right here. The hospital is clean but the nurses are filthy.

RB - We'll be starting the procedure by numbing your breasts. Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom nomnomnomnomnom.

HD - Well that really is an enormous growth, Mr Thomas. I think it might be better to leave it and remove you.

RR - Please let me assure you it's perfectly normal and the swelling will go down. It's just that I find you really attractive.

HW - And if you've been affected by any of the issues on Embarrassing Bodies tonight, THINK HOW I FEEL, I HAD TO TOUCH IT!

AP - So if you'd like to bend over. I'm just going to check your prostate. May be slightly uncomfortable. I'm going in now. LOOK, NO HANDS!

MJ - Now our next guest, believe it or not, is both a poo and a lice inspector. Sorry, police inspector.

RB - Of course I know what I'm doing. Gimme the defibrillator, am gonna defrib summin.

AP - Yes I'm afraid it's the big C. Yep Jeremy Hunt is paying the hospital a visit.

HD - This week on Embarrassing Bodies, FIFA.

RR - I'm afraid there's been a problem with your x-ray. He's put a sex tape of you up on the internet.

MJ - This is where obese people need to step up to the plate... Step away from the plate.

HW - So I'm off to give blood. Or as I like to call it, self-harm for a biscuit.

MJ - People say "give blood, give blood" but it really freaked the kids out on Christmas morning.

HD - Welcome to another episode of bush doctors, or as I call them, gynecologists.

RB - In just one week on A Lads holiday Kevin got an STD, had his stomach pumped, and lost a finger. LEGEND!

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